Survivor: FF7 vs. Zelda 64
by Fireaz Myria
Summary: Well, here's my first stab at a humor fic... and my first submission, too! (oh joy...) Anyway, it's basically just a Survivor spinoff involving the characters from FF7 and Zelda 64. Bashing of various characters... k, there's my pathetic little summary...


Disclaimer: I don't own FF7, Zelda 64, or Survivor

Disclaimer: I don't own FF7, Zelda 64, or Survivor! So don't sue me!

Survivor: FF7 vs. Zelda 64

**Outfight, Outlive, Outlast**

_ _

_16 castaways, some strangers, some friends, all stranded on one island… For 42 days… Who will triumph over them all? We shall see… Now, for the host, Jeff Pro… I mean, Fireaz Myria! (Jeff Probst had some "business" to attend to with a past… survivor contestant *cough*Jerri… so we've hired a replacement…)_

_ _

A dirty-blonde haired girl walked into the scene, wearing a tight white shirt and cargo shorts. She looked at the 16 strangers before her, and smiled.

"Welcome to this season of Survivor! I'll be your host, Fireaz Myria. This time, our contestants will be stranded on the dangerous Island of Pei Pei, where unknown creatures lurk, and various poisonous plants can be found. Now, to meet the contestants…" she said, but a tall, dark man interrupted her.

"Aren't you a bit young to be playing host?"

Fireaz glared at him. "Listen, buddy, it doesn't matter how old I am, I wrote this f***ing story, so I get to do what I want with it…"

"Oooh, you've got authority, babe. Howzabout we-" another young dude said before being punched in the stomach by a girl in a beautiful dress.

"Ehem… anyway, as I was saying, the contestants are…" Fireaz started.

_In the FF7 tribe (yes, what an original name… I know) we have Cloud, Tifa, Barrett, Vincent, Sephiroth, Yuffie, Red VIII, and Aeris!_

_ _

"Hey, wasn't that woman dead?"

"… Yes, well, she's back… Anyway, in the other tribe…" Fireaz said.

In the Zelda 64 tribe (another imaginative name…) meet Link, Zelda, Ganondorf, Skull Kid, Romani, Tael, Ingo, and Saria!

_ _

"So, let's see what you brought… FF7 tribe first." Fireaz said, turning to the FF7 characters.

"I brought my ULTIMA WEAPON!!!!" Cloud shouted, stroking his oversized sword as if it was a pet cat.

"Um… right. Okay, Tifa, what'd you bring?"

" * Giggles * I brought my make-up kit… sigh, don't I just look beautiful? Cloud, DON'T YOU THINK SO????!!!!" Tifa said excitedly, grabbing onto Cloud's arm.

He came out of his trance with the sword, and pushed the brown-haired woman away.

"Damn, woman, get off! I told ya before, I'm into that babe right there…" he said, staring at Aeris dreamily.

Tifa pouted, crossing her arms.

"Okay, then… Anyway, Barrett? Let's hope you brought something more-"

"My MISSING SCORE!!! I didn't really have a choice, since it's stuck to my arm, you know."

"Sure, sure… Vincent?"

"Blood… lots of blood… I need blood… Mmm…"

"Sigh. Sephiroth? If it's anything as whacked out as-"__

Sephiroth turned to get something behind him, and when he lifted it up for all to see, the whole crew gasped. "Yes! I brought ma thong! Ooo baby!"

"Well, well… I'm glad to see your wild side, for once. Um, Yuffie, your turn." Fireaz said, wide-eyed and unbelieving.

"I brought my cute little goggles! Heehee!"

"Is there not a soul here that has a normal choice?! Red VIII, do I even want to hear what you've brought…"

"I brought Harry Potter! See these books? Ooh, aren't they the greatest?!"

"I didn't know dogs… or whatever you are… could read… Interesting choice, anyway. Okay, last on the FF7 tribe… Aeris?"

"Well, seeing as I died the last time I was around Sephiroth, I thought I'd bring some Revive Materia."

"Finally, a sensible thing to bring! Okay, now, in the Zelda Tribe. What'd you bring, Link?" Fireaz turned to the Zelda 64 group.

"Cheeeseeee……. I brought cheese, you know, I LOVE cheese… Mmm… cheese… yum."

"Alrighty then… Zelda?"

"I brought my beautiful golden headdress!!!! Yeah, I'm going the Elizabeth way. She's got fashion sense… heehee!"

"Oh great… Not another one of those f***ing… thingys… Um, Ganondorf?"

"I brought my whole collection of "my little ponies"!!!! I love to brush them, cuddle them, and play with them…" Ganondorf giggled, pressing his face into a little plastic pink horse.

"God save me… Uh, who's next… Skull Kid. Let's hear it…"

"I brought… the MASK!!! MAJORA'S mask!!! Muahahahaha!!!" the little fiend laughed.

"This should be interesting… Romani?"

"Romani brought her push up bra! Yup, she did! Teeheehee!"

"Aw, man… It was a mistake taking this job… Tael?"

"I brought my sis', Tatl! Wherever I go, she goes!"

"Okay, then… Ingo, dare I ask?"

"I brought my lawyer! His name's Bob. Say hello, Bob." Ingo said, bringing out a short stumpy little man.

"Hello Bob." He said waving.

"Uh, that's not an object, Ingo… I'm not sure if I can allow that…"

"Oh, I'm Bob? Woopsy doodle…" said the lawyer.

"Uh, well, I guess I can allow it, seeing that he doesn't have the intelligence of a pea… Okay, last but not least, Saria?"

"I brought my ocarina… I can play nice music… Link likes my music… Right?" Saria looked over at Link, who was making out with Zelda in a small corner.

"Aw, damn!" she said, throwing her ocarina to the ground.

"Okay, well, there you have it! What… original choices we have there…" Fireaz started, but Bob interrupted her.

"Hi!"

"Yeah, hi to you too… Are you sure you passed the bar exam?"

"Bar… beer! Yum… Yep!" Bob said, smiling.

"Uh… anyway, let's get on with the show, shall we? For your first challenge, both teams will be given a map, and that map will lead them to their campsite. They will also be given a crate full of valuable objects each. Each team has fifteen seconds to get as much items from the crate as they can, then they must be on their way to find their campsite! Survivors ready? GO!" Fireaz said.

Just then Bob jumped on the Zelda 64 crate and started pulling everything out. He emptied the whole thing in approximately two seconds. The Zelda 64 team then piled most of it onto Ganondorf's back and the rest into Romani's oversized bra. Meanwhile, in the FF7 team grabbed the whole crate and ran.

"Hey, wait! You can't… you can't do… do that! Ah… forget it." Fireaz called after them, but gave up. "C'mon, 'copter. Get me outta here…"

A helicopter then landed and she jumped into it.

3 hours later

FF7 Tribe 

_ _

"Damn it, woman, leggo! Leggo 'my arm!" Cloud yelled as Tifa grabbed onto his arm once again.

"But Cloud… I'm tired… We've been walking for over three hours… I need a break… Can we please-"

"Hey! I don't think you're supposed to say that on public TV…" Barrett interrupted.

Tifa pouted again as Cloud ran up ahead to walk next to Aeris. Suddenly, Sephiroth cried out.

"Hey, dude! Is that… yo! I see a lawyer! I think… over there!" he pointed to a small figure in the distance.

"Hey, it's Bo-"

Suddenly * VOOM * Bob the lawyer ran right by them at lightning speed.

"Whoa. I think he overshot his camp… I think he's lost." Vincent said before slurping up some blood from his jar. "Mmm… sweet…"

"Hey guys! LOOKIE LOOKIE LOOKIE!!! I found the campsite! See, see?! It says FF7 Tribe!!! Yeah, right there! On the flag!!! YAY!!!" Yuffie exclaimed, jumping up and down.

She ran ahead to the camp. "Oooh!!! Look, we're right next to a river and everything! PUURRTTYYY!!!!"

"There's a lot of trees… it would be neat to make a treehouse. We'd be safe from floods and stuff from Survivor 2!" Red VIII said, looking up from one of his Harry Potter books.

Zelda 64 Tribe 

_ _

"Hey, here's our spot… but where's Bob? Bobby!!! Where are you???" Ingo yelled, looking around frantically.

Suddenly a little man stopped right in front of the group, showering them with a cloud of dust.

"Bob! Yay, I found you!" Ingo said gaily, picking up the midget in his arms and twirling him around a couple of times. "Wheee!"

"Where's my beer, b*tch?" the lawyer said, looking down at Ingo menacingly.

"Oh my God! He said a sentence that makes sense! … But… he's gone mad! Bobby, we do not say those things in public!" Ingo said, waving a finger in Bob's face and looking at him sternly.

"Okay, client Ingo! Me do what… now?" Bob managed to articulate, fluttering his eyelashes innocently.

Ingo set him down on the ground, and thought for a moment. "I know! Go get us some wood so we can build a nice camp!"

"Oki-dokey!" Bob said before blasting off in the direction of the woods.

Back at the FF7 Camp 

"Wow! This treehouse looks great! I'm so proud of myself!" Sephiroth said, stretching his arms high above his head and yawning. "Now it's time to put on my thong! Ooo yeah!"

"Wow! This treehouse looks great! I'm so proud of myself!" Sephiroth said, stretching his arms high above his head and yawning. "Now it's time to put on my thong! Ooo yeah!"

"Yo, man, ya did nothing! Don't be proud o' that! Dumbass…" Cloud grumbled. "That guy's the first on my list of votes... What a lazy sh*t."

Aeris walked up to him. She was wearing a pink flowery bikini.

"Ooo, sweet mama! You lookin' fine, doll!" Cloud exclaimed as he caught sight of her stunning body.

"Why, thank you, Cloud. My, my, do you look tired out... you must've worked extremely hard building that treehouse, care to go for a swim with me?" Aeris winked, putting a finger next to her mouth, trying to look cute.

Cloud's eyes grew wide, and his tongue hung out like a begging little puppy. "Uh huh..."

Suddenly Sephiroth flew by, showing off his ever-famous thong. "Time for a dip in the lake! Woo hoo!!!" he cried, running into the lake and acting like a little kid and giggling uncontrollably.

"Oh... uh, nevermind. Perhaps... another time would be best. Anyway, I should get the fire started. See ya, Cloud!" Aeris said, and walked away slowly, moving her hips like a supermodel would.

Cloud stared after her, still dumbstruck and with a wide-open jaw. Suddenly a fly flew into his mouth, causing him to return to his senses. "Blurgh... yugh... * cough * cough *... * gag *."

He noticed Aeris staring back at him with a shocked face, as if she were really hurt inside.

"How... how... I thought you loved me..." she cried, and turned running away, tears streaming down her face.

"No wait! Aeris...baby, I didn't mean... DAMNIT! Sephiroth, you gonna die..." Cloud called after her, thinking that if it weren't for Sephiroth and his damned thong, he and Aeris would be snuggling up close in the water. PLUS he wouldn't have fly-taste in his mouth.

_Zelda 64 Camp_

Bob was working away at the fire, cooking the tribe up a nice meal, working his ass off for Ingo, who had slumped down to take a nap immediately after his little friend had finished building the camp.

"That ol' man ain't doing sh*t. He's getting that Bob dude to do everything! What an ass. I say we vote him off first. Who's with me?" Link snorted, staring at Ingo, who was nice and cozy under the tarps.

He was hanging out with Tael, Tatl, Zelda, and Ganondorf.

"Well, if we vote him off, we vote Bob off... And you know, Link, he's been doing a lot of work for us. I mean, look at him now! Scurrying around for more wood... zipping here and there... we couldn't afford to lose him." Zelda mentioned, looking at Bob, who was now lifting a large pile of logs for the dying fire.

"GRAAH!!!!" he yelled in a deep, wrestler's voice, veins popping along the side of his forehead.

"Well, Ingo's got his ticket right up to the final two, then... damn, that sucks. So who should we vote off then?" Link asked, glaring at the lazy farmer.

"I say everyone should have their own choice... right, sis'?" Tael said, turning to Tatl.

"Yeah, sure, bro." Tatl replied.

Ganondorf, who was sitting on the ground playing with his toy ponies, looked up with childish eyes. "Has anyone found my 'Little Pony Brush'? Annabelle needs to be pretty and nice for her show! Isn't that right, Annabelle?" he said, lifting a purple pony up to his face and smiling.

"Sheesh... I know who I'm voting for..." Link thought.

Suddenly Saria came bounding out from the trees yelling:

"Look! A letter! We got a letter!"

She ran up to the small group, Romani and Skull Kid following close behind. Saria handed the note to Link. "Read it! Read it! What's it say??"

A big sweat drop appeared on Link's forehead. "Uh... Fre... Fore... Frem? ..."

Zelda snatched the note from Link's grasp. "Oh give me that, you illiterate fool. It says: A leap of faith is all it takes, cross the gate, and returning home is no one's fate. Where the hell did you get 'fre fore frem' from?"

Link turned red with embarrassment, and turned to eat some cheese. "Cheese is good..." 

"Looks like we'll be jumping off a cliff or something... like in Survivor 2! Oh, it's going to be fun!" Saria said, giggling.

"Annabelle loves jumping!!! That's her best category! Whee!" Ganondorf exclaimed, making the little purple pony jump up and down across the ground.

"Romani doesn't like heights... The aliens come from the sky... They come... and they take the cows... Heights are bad." The little cow girl said.

Tael flew next to Tatl. "Did what she just said make any sense?" he asked, confused.

"Yes, if you knew Romani, it does..." Tatl replied, rolling her eyes. 

Somewhere on Pei Pei Island

Fireaz stood in front of the two groups, staring at them unbelievably. In the FF7 tribe, Sephiroth acting all macho, and… wearing his thong… Cloud was down on his knees in front of Aeris, and it seemed like he was doing some sort of ritualistic prayer, but the young woman had turned he head and refused to hear anything he had to say… while Tifa stood behind the two, crying her eyes out.

"Cloud, why couldn't you just love me? I'd give more than enough reason to be with-"

she said, but Barrett interrupted her.

"Look, Tifa, if you haven't noticed already, Cloud likes _Aeris_! Not you! Sheesh, your ceaseless whining and complaining is starting to get on my nerves…"

Tifa stopped crying, and looked up at Barrett with wide, expectant eyes. "Do _you _think I'm pretty?"

"Oh just _shut up_!" Barrett yelled, causing Tifa to cower.

Sephiroth walked up to her. "Hey, I think you're pretty! Can we * ehem * splash in the water when we finish up with this business here? Yeah, you, me… and ma-"

"WHOA! Stop! Stop _right _there!" Tifa yelled before Sephiroth got a chance to say 'the word'.

Vincent was hiding behind his cape, probably slurping up some more blood, while Red VIII was deep into his Harry Potter book. Yuffie was… well, jumping around ecstatically, babbling incessantly about nothing. 

On the Zelda 64 tribe, there was just as much craziness. Saria was playing a delightful little tune on her ocarina with confidence.

"Oh, a normal pastime! Thank God." Fireaz said, but then she saw Saria turn to see if Link was watching, only to find him, once again, making out with Zelda.

"WHY ME??!!! [%$###@FF#@][1]!!!!" she screamed, throwing her ocarina over the cliff. She looked into the distance where she had thrown it, shielding her eyes from the sun. "Oh… Damn."

Ganondorf was sitting with his legs crossed, pouting. "Humph… Annabelle would've loved to come… she loves jumping! Poor little Annabelle…" he then noticed the host staring at him. "Uh… * ehem * I mean… damn, I wish would've killed that insolent stalfos when I had the chance… He meant nothing to me! NOTHING!!! I AM KING OF EVIL!!! … but the stalfos was kinda… cute… heeheehee…"

Skull Kid and Tael were huddled together and mumbling something.

"See… all _I_ have to do is fly down to the gate…that'll buy us some time. I don't think the other team has any flyers, so we'll win for sure!" Tael said.

"Yeah, but… what're we doing? Huh?" Skull Kid asked, confused.

Tael rolled his eyes. "How many times to I have to tell you! Every team member has to jump off that cliff into the water, get onto the floating crate, and swim over to that gate over there! Whoever crosses the finish line first wins! Simple… I don't know how you can't get it…"

Suddenly Majora's Mask turned red and zapped Tael, sending him flying backwards a bit. "Insolent little pest! I am not to be fooled with!!!"

"What the- oh, whatever. Sheesh, you get these strange mood swings when you wear that thing… I don't know if I want to be your friend anymore…" Tael said, rubbing his little glowing cheek.

The Skull Kid suddenly started shaking uncontrollably, sobbing and making strange hiccup sounds. "BOO HOO!!! No one likes me!!!! I want friends!!! I don't have any friends!!! * sniff * sniff *."

"Oh, I feel so bad for him… No, Tael, don't fall into that trap again… Oh, but look, he's _so _helpless… Bad Tael, BAD!!! Don't-" Tael thought, but couldn't resist.

"Fine, fine! I'll be your friend! Cheese head."

Link perked up. "Cheese? Did someone say… cheeeeese????" but Zelda turned his head back towards hers and they started kissing again, putting Saria in a fit of rage.

"If only I had my ocarina back, I'd throw it at his f***ing head!!!" she mumbled after yelling out every unmentionable word in the dictionary. "Ungrateful, fairyless, b**tard. I play wonderful music just for him, and this is the thanks I get? HUMPH!"

Romani was cowering and covering her eyes. "The aliens are coming… They come from the skies… And they take the cows… Where's Grasshopper?!" she whimpered, looking around.

When she found Link, she ran up to him and pulled at his clothes. "Grasshopper! Grasshopper! Romani has a job for you! The aliens are coming! You have to save the cows! Pweeese??!!" she pleaded, tugging harder at his tunic.

Link stared down at her with annoyance. "Hey, twerp, get outta here, can't you see I'm busy?" he said before returning to the make-out corner with the princess.

Then a thought came to his mind. "Hey, little girl, do cows make cheeeese?" he asked a sad faced Romani.

The cowgirl perked up. "Uh huh! Romani's cows make the best milk! And the best cheese! If Grasshopper helps Romani save the cows, you can have cheese!"

"Aw sweet!!! Sorry, Zelda babe… I've got important business to attend to." Link said, pulling himself out of Zelda's loving grip.

Ingo was lying on the ground, sleeping like the lazy b**tard he was. Bob had to stay at the camp, since he was Ingo's 'item'.

"Okay, anyway, to get on with the challenge… Every team member will have to jump off this cliff right here and into the depths of the lake below, one at a time. They then have to swim over to their tribe's respective crate, and when every team member has made it to the crate, they have to swim through the gate over there towards the beach. The tribe who arrives on the beach first wins! Everybody got that?" Fireaz looked around at the pathetic group of people before her. "Well, I suppose so… Survivors ready? GO!"

First up were Link and Cloud. Link did one of his wonderful high dives, yelling: 

"I'm gonna get myself some of the best cheeeeeese! Wahoooo!!"

Cloud just jumped down normally. Link arrived in the water first, but Cloud caught up to him, being the stronger swimmer, and they both arrived at the crate at the same time.

Next were Ganondorf and Sephiroth. As he jumped, Sephiroth yelled out something about his thong… well, ya know…. And Ganondorf just screamed pitifully like a girl. Sephiroth got to the crate before Ganondorf, causing the FF7 tribe to be in the lead. Then came Tifa and Romani. Amazingly enough, Romani pulled the Zelda 64 tribe way into the lead, since Tifa was all worried about getting her make-up smudged.

"Damnit, woman! It's already washed out because of your non-stop crying! Sh*t!" Cloud yelled.

Skull Kid and Barrett came next.

"Wheee!" Skull Kid cried. 

Being already in the lead, Skull Kid got to the crate before Barrett, who was a slow, heavy man anyway. Tael and Red VIII were next. The little fairy only had to fly over to the crate, which left the FF7 tribe trailing WAY behind now. Saria dove into the water while Red VIII was only halfway to the crate, but she didn't come up.

"Oh sh*t… where'd she go? They're gonna catch up! Damnit!" Link said.

"What if something happened to her?" Zelda said from on top of the cliff, worried.

Yuffie jumped down as soon as Red VIII got to the FF7 crate, and finally Saria immerged from the water, holding a strange instrument in her hand.

"I found it! I found my ocarina!! Yay!" she cried happily.

"Aw, man! We don't care! Get your ass over here, Saria! We're trailing because of you!!!" Link yelled.

Saria swam as quick as she could, which was pretty fast, to the Zelda 64 gate, but couldn't catch up to Yuffie.

" * sniff * I thought you liked my ocarina playing…" Saria said, pouting.

"Sh*t no… What made you think that? Man, you're one screwed up kid…" Link said, pushing Saria off the crate.

Aeris and Zelda were the next two to go. Aeris had a head start, and Zelda couldn't catch up. Then Vincent jumped off the cliff, screaming for "BLOOD!!!" and got to the crate.

"Hey, where the f*ck is Ingo? INGO!!!! GET YOUR ASS IN GEAR!!!!" Link yelled, and about ten seconds later the drowsy farmer walked over the cliff and swam slowly to the Zelda 64 crate.

The FF7 team had already started swimming towards the gate, and had an extremely big lead. When Ingo arrived at the other crate, the Zelda 64 group tried frantically to catch up… but the FF7 tribe had already passed the gate. 

"Well, looks like we have winners here! Well, FF7, looks like you'll be sleeping with worry-free minds tonight. Zelda 64, I'll be seeing you at tribal council later on. Now, go back to your camps." Fireaz said when the Zelda 64 tribe finally got to shore, cursing and swearing at Ingo for sleeping the challenge out.

"You can't hurt me! I've got my lawyer!" Ingo said, arms crossed and nose up.

"Yeah, little Ingo here needs his little Bobby to help him stay in the tribe… It's not like we can afford to loose the little dude…" Link thought.

So, who will be voted off the Zelda 64 tribe at Tribal Council tonight? Here are the choices (r&r me with your votes… and I may take those into consideration…):

_Link _

_Zelda_

_Ganondorf_

Skull Kid

Romani

Tael

Ingo (BUT if he goes… so does Bob!L )

Saria

   [1]: mailto:%25$%23%23%23@FF%23@



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